Dear Ms. X,
I am pleased to introduce my vivacious monkey, Auggie, as your kindergarten student this school year. Auggie is a very hard worker and is particularly skilled with manual labor, which will come in handy if you ever need him to dig a ditch. He loathes being yelled at, which will cause him to shut down like a smart-phone fresh out of lithium juice. His one weakness is food. Food, glorious food, and he will eat you out of house and home if you do not keep your cupboards securely fastened. Actually, I lied. He has another weakness: manipulating buttons and levers. Therefore, it is highly advisable to keep him out of the industrial kitchen and boiler room unless you wish for the school to experience a nuclear meltdown.
We are still working on basic hygiene skills such as washing mud out of fingernails, not interrupting an ongoing conversation, and sight words. Our expectation for him this year is to master as many sight words as possible so I don’t have to read the instructions on his Wii games anymore. Basics include: Load Game, Yes, No, Accept, Cancel, Press A, Press B, Exit.
Intermediary skills include the following sentence: Batman and Robin can perform special attacks. Press B to grab an enemy, then B again to throw.
I hope you have a great year with Auggie. If you have any questions, concerns, or death threats, please don’t bother calling. I’ll be too busy rolling around in chocolate or eating bon-bons while watching my “shows” like all the other hardcore real housewives.